14 Rules to Help You Through COVID-19
By Benjamin Wexler
Wash your hands. Scrub them raw.
Don’t touch your face, that acne-fucked mess. Who would want to touch it anyway?
Don’t wear a mask. Or do. We all have something to hide.
Don’t be stupid. Seriously. That stupid thing that you were planning on posting on Instagram, or putting on your story? Don’t say it. The last thing we need is another viral thing. Disease, tweet, what’s the difference? Both can ruin your life.
Don’t participate in unnecessary gatherings. Unnecessary gatherings include: superhero-themed weddings, Thanksgiving meals in mid-March, Tame Impala at the Bell Centre. Necessary gatherings include: regular dungeons and dragons, your professor’s choral show that you bought a ticket to, outdoor shinny, Perfume Genius opening for Tame Impala at the Bell Centre.
Don’t shake hands. Who likes shaking hands anyway? Who likes that guy that shakes your hand and then insists on a firmer handshake because his father did not love him?
You know what, just don’t don’t touch without consent. I cannot believe we are still having this conversation.
Don’t show symptoms. According to World Health Organization officials, it is no longer funny to say “Don’t worry, I don’t have Corona!” after coughing. It is not any more funny to say “Whoops, guess I just gave you all Corona!” after coughing. Shame is a virtue. If you must, cough discreetly into your elbow. Should this happen, repeat instructions in rule #1 with your elbow.
Do something productive. Isaac Newton came up with universal gravitation while under quarantine. He also died a virgin, so make of that what you will.
Don’t lose sight of the little things. Every second of this grey and gloomy Friday was leading up to the moment the radio in the car played Never Gonna Give You Up.
Don’t hate the young, as easy as it is. We walk around like happy loaded guns. We joke. We are invincible. You can’t expect much of kids that quote The Stand. Expect less of kids who quote La Peste or The Decameron. But don’t hate the young for books they didn’t write.
Don’t bury the old. They’re not dead yet.