Ask The Plant
By Talia Kliot
Dear The Plant,
How do you get rid of fruit flies? What do fruit flies taste like? How long do fruit flies live? Fruit flies?
Dear Feeling Fly,
First of all, I would like to thank you for the insightful, multi-faceted question. It is people like you who dare to think deeply that truly add another layer of complexity to our already perplexing world.
After some research, I have compiled that there are numerous ways to get rid of these pesky critters, from making your own traps with apple cider vinegar and plastic wrap (yikes, sorry Greta) to buying sticky strips from Amazon or your local Canadian Tire. For more details, feel free to search Google, or visit the article linked at the bottom.
To prove my dedication to you and the other readers who trust me with their pressing questions, I tried a fruit fly. Granted, it was by accident while I was jumping on my trampoline, but I would have eaten it anyways. Pinky-swear. However, what I learned from this experience shook me to the core. Fruit flies do not, in fact, taste like fruit. They actually don’t taste like anything, but I’m told they have a lot of protein, so that’s a win.
Scientifically, fruit flies live forty to fifty days, but one can wonder how many of those days are actually spent ~living~. They spend their time on Earth searching for their next snack rather than driving with the windows down and the music blasting with a summer breeze, or laughing with their friends until they feel like they’ve grown a six pack. Can insects even have six packs? Do they have their own tiny cars and favourite songs? Sometimes asking questions leads to more questions.
Dear The Plant,
Help! I’m only attracted to Soundcloud rappers!
Beats by Bae
Dear Beats by Bae,
Quite frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with your infatuation. Soundcloud rappers are truly a magical specimen, often pursuing their craft while living a mundane life as a business major or a Starbucks employee. These people dedicate their spare time to following their dreams, no matter how unattainable or ridiculous they seem to others. They have a rare type of grit that transcends judgement and that is a quality that many people, including yourself, find endearing. It is truly nothing to be ashamed of.
While your lovers may continually insist that you listen to their sick new track, take a moment to admire their passion, regardless of whether or not you understand what feeling the series of beeps and dings are meant to evoke. Maybe they’re even meant to incite confusion.
In our bleak world, people with the dedication of Soundcloud rappers are hard to find, and it is no wonder that they are attractive to some. So regardless of the posts that “big things are coming soon” and the late night snaps in the studio (see: the closet in the basement of their parents’ house), it doesn’t hurt to hold onto those people who make your heart skip a beat.