Daylen Conserve
Editor-in-Chief
I feel like nobody is noticing me on dating apps! What do I do? Please help!
-Ghostie
Hey Ghostie!
I understand how you feel– It’s so easy to go unnoticed these days, especially when your profile is drowned out by people whose top Spotify artist is Ed Sheeran. To captivate attention is to truly feel desired; we all need that validation, even coming from something as passionate as Tinder. However, good news for you, Ghostie, it only takes a few simple changes to get people to not only give you their coveted attention, but also their souls.
It all starts with the perfect profile. Dig through your camera roll to select no more than your 6 best pictures. Let people fall in love with your facial features: eyes so deep and warm potential suitors could almost fall into them, a smile so charming and inviting that they can’t help but to want to see more of, glistening, smooth skin that is too perfect to be real. Be the dream everybody looks for, and then some. So far, this should be enough to pique their interest.
Although making a poem from the letters of your name might be tempting, we need something short and sweet for people to get to know you. Show off that personality and sense of humour! Cater to your desired niche– want the attention of single people who never leave the house? Write about how you love a comfy night in! Into sportier types? Mention your favourite sports team! You’d like to attract people who will easily hand everything they own and their entire being over to you at the snap of a finger? Write about how you love being a business major!
By now, admirers will be tripping over themselves trying to slide in the DMs. Be flirtatious and irresistible– everything they ever wanted. Reinvent yourself as the most romantic person that ever existed. Make them feel like they can trust you with their deepest, darkest secrets, ones they would take to the grave. Let them open up to you and fall in love with you completely.
And, finally, you close it all off by making the tiniest of requests, the most miniscule ask, a fun-size query, one may say. Demand their soul!
If you have followed the steps correctly until now, not only will they willingly hand it over, but they might also convince their friends to do the same.
I hope this will help you get noticed more. Soon, you can officially be the leader of a cult. <3
Sincerely,
Dawson’s most successful cult to date,
The Plant
Image: Literally pulled straight from The Plant’s Instagram page, so I guess @theplantnews