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Ask The Plant

By Bridget Griffin


Dear The Plant,


How do I stop my family from driving me crazy in quarantine?


Sincerely, 

Your Mom


Hi Mom! When did you start going to Dawson? That’s crazy.


First of all, we should all be seeking solace in the people we live with. (If you live alone, I don’t know, get a plant or something. It’ll feel like a person if you name it, which will make you feel extra guilty when you forget to water it.) Whether they be your parents, your partner, or strangers you found on Craigslist, be thankful for your roommates. Social interactions are few and far between these days, so we should cherish every opportunity we get to be around other people.

That being said, here are some of my favourite ways to tolerate those pesky cohabitants of yours, quarantine edition. 

  1. Take walks. The kinds of walks they take in Victorian novels after tea time that go on for entire afternoons, with the petticoats and the sun umbrellas and the meticulous descriptions of landscapes that I refuse to believe anyone truly enjoys reading about.

  2.  Tell them that you’ve been reading up on the 2008 housing crisis. Or that you’ve been thinking of becoming a soundcloud rapper. Either way, they won’t want to talk to you about it, allowing you to dedicate all your time to playing minecraft with the boys.

  3. Stop showering. Oh wait, you already did that? Damn, my bad. 

  4. Become nocturnal. If you find yourself crossing paths with your roommates a little too frequently, perhaps you should try staying up all night and sleeping all day. You may miss class, but it should ultimately be worth it for those sweet uninterrupted hours of solitude. Just you alone, blasting Macklemore and sipping on a Capri Sun.

  5. If that doesn’t tickle your fancy, you could just blast Macklemore during the day instead. If you crank up that boombox to the max, you should be able to drown out the terrible sounds of your roommate trying to ask you how your day went. 

  6. And finally… communicate, or whatever. Gross, I know. Don’t get me wrong, I like avoiding my problems just as much as the next repressed gal, but I’ve heard that talking to people works out sometimes. Alternatively, you could also not. So there’s always that option.


Anyway Mom, thanks for the question. What’s for dinner tonight?


Hakuna Matata,

Bridget Griffin



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