By Arwen Low
Dear The Plant,
How do I get my skeleton to behave? Thanks!
First things first: don't be embarrassed. We here at The Plant know that there's a lot of stigma surrounding skeletal behavior, and we're proud of you for reaching out for help. You're now one step closer to fully living your life. Regardless of where your skeleton is, there's a way to proceed.
If your skeleton is buried in your backyard, try for a bit of empathy - how would *you* feel if you were 6 feet underground? Maybe it gets cold down there, and that annoying chattering you're hearing at night is just your poor skeleton shivering. Why not quilt a blanket? Alternatively, your skeleton might just be lonely, and that's what all that spooky sobbing is about. It has no—body to hang out with! Honestly, you should consider lying with its bones. Maybe then you'll even have a date for your family's Easter dinner.
Is your skeleton being a real lazy bones and not helping out with spring cleaning? It's probably time for you to try tough love. Let it know that it can't stay in that box of old Halloween decorations forever. It's March, for goodness sake! It's time for your skeleton to get up and dust itself off. Sure, you're a cool mom and you want your skeleton to feel like it's okay to move back home and live in your garage. But Bodie, at some point, you have to lay down the law.
If your skeleton is in your closet, you're probably past the point of no return. Best to just bolt the door and get used to the sound of its bony fingers scratching on wood when you're trying to fall asleep at night. Don't look so down, it's free ASMR!
But the worst type of skeletal misbehavior is definitely when it decides to no longer help you open doors. Like, hello? What are all those fingers for if not to unlock all the secret doors in your house? Skeletons nowadays, am I right? Have you considered sending yours to the highly elite Skeleton Academy for some discipline training? We can't disclose the location, but we can tell you it's somewhere in the North-West South-East. It's a worthwhile school. If you can find it... Your skeleton will learn useful skills like maintaining good posture and avoiding scoliosis. What's more: they only feed students the highest caliber of yak's milk. Yum, calcium!
If you do decide to take one of these routes, expect some emotional side effects. You might feel unsteady, like your limbs are jelly. You might feel more vulnerable, like you've lost an important support system. But you're brave, Bodie. You reached out once for help, and you can do it again. There's plenty of resources out there for people like you, you just need to go and find them. Talk to your friends and family. Don't isolate yourself. Get out of your room sometimes, walk children in nature. Do your spring cleaning! Take a break when you need it, disconnect from your screen. Relish in hidden smiles, the everyday moments of connection that remind us that we're here. You're here. Right now. You are here. Remember that.
All the best,
Image: "Upper skeleton from Andrew Bell's Anatomia Britannica (1770s-1780s)" by liverpoolhls is licensed with CC BY-SA 2.0.