Ask The Plant
By Gabriela Vasquez-Rondon
Dear The Plant,
How do I get my mechanics teacher to unleash the beast? The beast is his ponytail.
Dear Ponytail Inquisitor,
It seems to me that you’ve uncovered a mystery as old as time, a question that not even the Gods can answer, as your teacher holds the ultimate power: the decision to unleash the beast himself. I shudder at the thought, although I will say that you have piqued my curiosity, and so, I will help you on your quest.
My first move, if I were in your shoes, would be to observe my prey, which is not your teacher, but his hair. I have two special techniques that could potentially apply to this lookout strategy. If only you had told me his hair type. Is he more of a straight and slick kind of guy? Maybe a bit of a wavy and bouncy type of fella? Sadly, I’ll never know, so let’s move on.
The first technique is to stay alert for a messy hair situation. The moment you notice a misplaced string of hair or a wild hair let loose from the beast itself is when you know that it is time to strike. You will go up to your teacher and tell him he has something in his ponytail, which he will then touch by habit and realize how messy it’s become. He will inevitably have to let his hair down in order to fix his hairdo, but that approach would be awfully predictable.
Another way to try this first method would be to go up to your teacher and ask him a question. Slowly stretch your arms in his direction and ruffle his hair with the piece of paper you are holding in your hand. Did I forget to mention you had to bring your homework or notes with you? After that, yawn, and apologize, because let’s not be rude. Then, escape to your desk and watch as all hell breaks loose. As you very clearly messed up his already wild looking hair, your teacher will have no other choice but to do his ponytail again.
The second technique requires a bit more expertise, requiring highly advanced visual aptitudes and quick fingers that have mastered the art of snatching things at the speed of light. For this specific technique, you will need two very important things; number one is for your teacher to have a greasy hair day. That is why you need excellent vision. There is a very fine line between sparkly and smooth clean hair and an oily tuft of hair. The second thing you will need is an opportunity where you are faced with your teacher’s back, maybe when going to class and you notice him in front of you on the escalator or in line at the cafeteria. Wait for an opportunity where you will have plenty of space to run, which you should need after committing a slightly inappropriate act. When all of those elements have aligned, you will be able to use your insane dexterity to pull the elastic off your teacher’s hair, with the help of its oily state. Then, you start running, looking back as the beast is finally unleashed from its constraint. The consequences are rather low, as I assume your teacher will be left more confused than anything else because you will obviously have been too fast to be noticed by anyone.
Or, you know, you could just ask.
Well, in any case, stay gold ponyboy.
DISCLAIMER: This is sarcastic. Please don’t encroach on your teacher’s personal space.