The Invalid Eating Disorder

by Liana Kaloussian

November 23rd, 2018 | Creative Writing

This may come as a surprise to my friends and family: I have an eating disorder.  Some have noticed my weight loss and questioned me already; I’m a master at brushing uncomfortable questions off.

Yes, I have an eating disorder. I’m trying my best to recover.

There are days  where my disordered thoughts are so loud. I feel like I can’t take it anymore.

"I’m not good enough".   "I’m not skinny enough". 

"I was never underweight".

Do I even have to recover?  I don’t have an eating disorder,  I’m just a wannabe.  Not disciplined enough.

Not perfect enough.

My disordered brain tells me that  I am not valid  until I am in a hospital bed with a tube down my nose.

I must remember, most importantly, my brain lies and deceives.

I am valid enough. I am enough.  I am sick enough.  I am sick: I do have an eating disorder and I deserve to get help just as much as anybody. 

For ages, I have felt that since I was not on my deathbed I did not deserve help.  I do deserve help.  You deserve help  no matter how bad you are.